Now that I'm 26....
I have to ask, what the fuck?
What were they trying to teach us all those years, really? I've expanded my wealth of knowledge, no doubt, through high school and college but if I had to answer the cliche notion of whether or not they prepared me for real life, we'll I would just have to politely say Oh Fuck No.
I've returned to my home town recently. Well actually, a year and a half ago....holy shit. The reason being that life after college and away from my big family was alienating, lonely, and depressing. I found myself spending my days off staying in bed and unable to keep interest; I was let go from jobs because I showed no eagerness or likeability. I didn't get it, because in my heart I knew I could be the weird funny likeable girl everyone loved me to be but for some reason I couldn't show it to new people and I didn't get why.
But then I figured it out: heroin. All consuming addiction of which I was in full denial of. I just did it when my boyfriend did, I'd say, but soon I'd seek it out even when he was gone. I'd wake up before him to make sure he didn't do any without me. I sacrificed time, money, trust, relationships, and I suffered a loss of myself. And dying from it didn't stop me, friends dying didn't stop me, I can't say for certain what stopped me but it certainly wasn't moving home to Fargo which I had hoped would be the trick. But demons find you even if you aren't actively searching for them. And they get angry when you try to deny their power.
I was always a level headed person. I almost hated what little psychological problems I had; I was boring, bland, forgettable. I'd think "maybe I get anxiety? I think I'm depressed?" But little did I know the real thing would feel like a thousand stab wounds to your heart. Constantly. Anxiety, real raw crippling anxiety, is unbearable and unbelievable. Your ability to avoid problems becomes that of acrobatic level. I couldn't believe this was me; ignoring bills, debt, grocery stores, and sadly my family.
My family. Oh my god.
I moved here to be closer to them, and as it turns out the smoke and mirrors I had laid down between here and Colorado were what was best for me and my family. Now my weaknesses, anxiety, insecurities, anger, and irrationality all get laid out on my family. Likely because they're the only ones that care so they're the only ones I bother to argue with. I want them to be different sometimes, I admit that.l; I see the way my friends' families handle their addiction and sometimes I feel jealousy while other times I'm greatful for how good I have it. When I sat them down that day after my friends funeral (from an overdose using the same batch of drugs I was getting) and told them that their youngest daughter, the honor roll well behaved never hated her parents child, had been battling s 2 year addiction with heroin and worse she was putting it in her veins, that the following months of struggle would face me. Struggle to be sober, to be honest, to be present. Ithe isn't fun to feel like no matter what drug you're on or not on, your mother is going to look at you differently and over analyze the way you fell over your words just there. And how do you tell your family that their constant pressure to stop using only makes you want to use more? How do you show your family, with little experience in drug addiction, that you need them to believe that you're still in there and treat you the same? Otherwise we are fucked. Truly.
People often wonder why even though we desire to be sober, we fall back into the same crowds. I can tell you with 100 percent certainty it is because they have no holds, no judgments, and no ultimatums to be your friend. And I guarantee you most of them won't push drugs on you if you ask them not to. Unfortunately weakness is a human condition and when life doesn't get tackled, we turn to our numbing devices. It isn't hanging around our old friends that causes that but rather vice versa. Don't condemn me for going back to old ways, but try to understand why and figure out what you can do to make it better. I'd start with welcoming your addicted friend, daughter, son, brother or what have you over or out; show them that their addiction doesn't define them. Sometimes they just need to be shown.
I want to blog more because it heals me. I hope you take the time to do what heals you too. I can promise I won't be fully candid here because I fear judgement and try only to describe myself and my problems and not others but I will peel back the pages and try to show someone what complexities lie beneath the funny girl.
Until next time,
Kelly
No comments:
Post a Comment