The Self-Loathing Egotist

I find that contradictions are the most common occurrences in human nature. Our psyche is designed to say one thing and do another. Opposites attract and likeness repel and this results in us hating in others the very thing people hate about us. Personally, I will honk at the slow going minivan in front of me at a green light but if someone finds my foot to be lead filled, I'll slow my acceleration to snails pace and hold my middle finger up so they are sure to see. It is this phenomenon that brought me to title myself a self-loathing egotist.

I brag and complain almost simultaneously about my self-awareness. I find I know exactly what people are saying behind the things they say to me. I can lay out my faults, weaknesses, strengths, uniqueness, frustrations, and more but my downfall lies in the drive to change them. No one will ever shock me with the things they say to me about me, my brain is in a constant mode of analysis. Where are they looking, what are they doing, are their responses engaging or are they attempting to push away the conversation; a particular friend of mine will talk with such obliviousness to how people around them are not wanting to listen and I stare and wonder if he is like me. That is, aware but without care.

I think this is probably a common concept among social intellects; which I, for the most part, consider myself. A polite person corrects themselves while a concieted person stands on the principle that everyone else is wrong, and they aren't that annoying. I regrettably admit the latter describes me most often. I laugh at my own jokes, interrupt others with *relevant* interjections, and mumble with the expectation that everyone can understand me. I'm learning to be better but I become so apathetic to change because I've never seen anyone change their ways for the benefit of me and our friendship but I know I can't compare my choices to others. I survive on the principle that we are to treat others how we wish to be treated and not how they treat us and before you yell at your screen, I know I'm not always successful; I'm human after all. I treat others how I'd like to be treated but I do not ever want to be friends with someone like me, isn't that ironic?

I'm thinking we can't help but love ourselves and we can't help but hate ourselves as well. We will do things out of character that even make our own selves go, "who the fuck are you?" and in those times in my life I find myself in crisis. I wonder if I deserve the good I have but I'm too selfish to give it up if I can help it. Am I going to go my whole life like this? Not knowing if I deserve the good and feeling wronged by the bad?  Is this in fact the true human condition, the very thing that separates us?

I'm leaving this topic for now, but trust that it stays with me every moment of every day. We all just want happiness and some are better than others at finding it. Those of us with complex intellectual minds are at a disadvantage because we question everything. But I wouldn't trade it for ignorance  if my life depended on it.